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When you’re a single mom looking for love it can be easy to feel defeated. I would have gone out with him again, only because you know what? He was smart, he could carry a conversation, and he was a dedicated father. But in any event, you could tell that even though he had been divorced longer than I was, separated longer than I was, it was like he still wasn’t on board with the idea of having an identity outside of his children. He still talked about the marriage like it happened last year. Laura Lifshitz: But most guys don’t want to hear that. Laura Lifshitz: Yes, but you’re also willing to tell people, “This is what I need and this is what I don’t need.” Right? A raise of hands for all the women listening right now. Every time you let someone slide it’s like you’re lowering yourself. You’re supposed to be the pretzel that you are and hopefully someone likes our saltiness, your sweetness, whatever it is. Laura Lifshitz: You know, if you’re a hot pretzel. You’ve been hurt before, you’ve got enough on your plate, and you might just not be ready yet! I think that a lot of women have a hard time with boundaries. How many of you could say that somebody has messaged your or said something inappropriate and you’ve sort of let it slide? Divorced Girl Smiling is a website and a podcast for those: thinking of divorce, going through one, or dating after divorce.If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother.No matter where you are in your own journey this episode is for you. They just let people walk all over them or they’re like, “I don’t want to do this, but I’m going to do this.” Or you know what? We knew the best person to chat about this with is Laura Lifshitz, one of our favorite writers on the Worthy blog! This guy messaged me and he said something really not that great, but I’m going to go out with him anyway. You have to sit there and have expectations of how you want to be treated. Laura Lifshitz: I was like, “Actually, never, and this is the end of our conversation.”Audrey: Yeah, good for you.
On the Worthy blog and social channels there is always one topic that gets the most hits: love and dating after divorce. Laura Lifshitz: But we weren’t obviously a love match. I don’t think he’s ready.” It’s funny, I almost wanted to text him and be like, “Look, you know, I don’t think you’re ready, but I’m here for you as your friend, and I’m going to encourage you.”Audrey: That’s so sweet. Audrey: Right, you’re not willing to waste your time because you feel that your time is valuable. Laura Lifshitz: Exactly, you know, you’re not supposed to bend yourself into a pretzel in order to fit someone’s desires. Audrey: Yeah, when you want something you make it happen. If you’re swiping left and right and you match with, let’s just say, Joshua. Joshua could have decided to get reconnected with his girlfriend from high school.
I mean, with the last group, the people that lock themselves away, it’s really fear, right? But at the same time, you can sit and be just fine by yourself, and there’s nothing wrong with being alone. When you have confidence in yourself and you have boundaries, it changes a lot. Don’t put in the effort if he’s not putting the effort in. Because we always make what’s important to us a priority. Audrey: I think that’s like the best dating advice just in general for everyone. Laura Lifshitz: Well, the other golden rule of dating that is something that I remind people of is you can not take online dating personally. For all you know, Joshua could have come out of the closet. Audrey: I actually have a friend who was dating a Joshua who ended things and got back together which his ex.
Laura Lifshitz: Yes, it is, but I see a lot of people get caught in the cycles of those two groups, because you know, fear. They’re sitting there and saying, “I can hang out by myself and be just fine, or I could get involved with someone and end up sitting there splitting my assets again.” I understand that, I understand the fear of that. It’s not fun for me to still deal with someone who’s difficult, you know, a difficult ex. Laura Lifshitz: But at the same time, you might be missing out on something great. I just want to leave,” or, “Oh, by the way, I’m sleeping with the nanny, and we’re going to get married two months from now,” it does make it very hard for someone to cope, because they didn’t know. For me, my first date, you know, it’s funny, I think he might follow me on Facebook, actually. ” I would say, “You should go out with him,” because he was nice, right? I’ve been able to kind of like keep myself away from anyone bad because I have good judgment now because I have confidence. A friend of mine the other day said, “You know, I messaged this guy and he hasn’t gotten back to me in three days. ”Audrey: You know, this is that episode of Sex In The City that the movie He’s Just Not That Into You is based on. A guy who’s not is not going to be putting in that effort. You know, I say that because you shouldn’t chase after somebody because the reality is if somebody wants you around they’ll find a way to make it happen whether you guys are far away, whether you guys have children on different custody schedules you just make it happen, right?
You can go to worthy.com/podcast to read some of her articles that you might find interesting if you enjoy this episode. I love writing for Worthy, I think you guys are great. I am still waiting for that to happen, but the weather girls were inaccurate. For a long time I just really didn’t like great guys, honestly. Audrey: I think so many people have that experience, too. Well, one of the things I see is that unfortunately, I see this actually a little more for men than I do for women, but the divorce has really, really crushed them. I mean, I don’t know if you can ever really be happy until you believe that you deserve to be happy. So a lot of people exit the divorce feeling defeated, and that is normal. You put your whole life into somebody, and then you walk away, and you have nothing. “I’ve been burned once, and I’m not willing to risk it again.”Laura Lifshitz: Yes.
We’re going to take a quick break, and then we’ll be right back with Laura. I think the content’s really relevant, and inspiring, and positive, and that’s really … I mean, I think one of the silver linings of divorce is that you really have an opportunity to see what wasn’t right, and pursue your future with some lessons learned, and pursue things that make more sense for you. One of the problems I see, and obviously I’m female, so I have the women’s viewpoint. I think what’s so great about your point of view is that it’s so honest, and it’s so human, and that is beyond the female and male experience. I see it with women too, and I think that it’s unfortunate, because I see it as yes, a divorce was a failed marriage. You have to, because I could sit here and cry that I have no money, and I struggle, and my daughter will ask, “Why can’t we do this?